Anger is a gift. Use it.

I am having an angry week. Do you ever have those weeks where everything pisses you off, you have no patience for anything and even the smallest things make you tired? Pretty sure you’ve had these weeks too. 

When I have angry weeks, I pull out and reread the chapter on anger in Karla McLaren’s excellent book, “The Language of Emotions”. 

Friends, this book is POWER. In it, Karla McLaren breaks down what different emotions are trying to tell us, and what to do to honor those emotions and help them move through you without getting stuck. As we say in positive psychology land, emotions, like food, need to be digested and move through your system. Reading this book almost always helps me sort out why I’m angry and the path forward.

Here’s what Karla McLaren writes about anger: “If I were to personify anger, I would describe it as a mix between a stalwart castle sentry and ancient sage. Anger sets your boundaries by walking the perimeter of your soul and keeping an eye on you, the people around you, and your environment. If your boundaries are broken…anger comes forward to restore your sense of strength and separateness. The questions for anger are: “What must be protected?” and “What must be restored?” 

Anger is about boundaries that have been broken. It’s when something happens and your body and soul loudly say, “NO. THIS IS NOT OKAY.” 

Taking time to notice your anger and to dig in and figure out what is not okay keeps your anger from leaking out all over the place; spilling into areas that actually are not the root of the problem (like yelling at your kids when they haven’t really done anything wrong).

Here’s the process I use to sort out my anger:

  1. Notice my anger. I will literally say to myself, “I notice that I’m really angry this week/today/right now”

  2. Breathe. Taking three very deep breaths helps me slow down. When you are angry, your brain’s flight or fight system gets activated and your breath becomes shallow. Deep breathing helps bring your rational brain back online.

  3. Ask myself: why am I angry? Notice I am not asking what is making me angry; I’m asking why that thing/person/situation is making me angry.

  4. Determine what boundary has been violated and who violated it. Sometimes it’s another person who violated a boundary, but often it’s me who violated the boundary. I didn’t hold a boundary on protecting my time and got too busy; I didn’t protect my boundary on sleep and am tired. Sometimes it’s others - someone who isn’t helping one of my kids the way I expect, or someone who has not held up their end of a deal, for example.

  5. Think about what is needed to restore the boundary. In the case of sleep - go to bed earlier. In the case of someone who isn’t helping my kid; state clearly to that person what my expectations are. 

  6. Take steps to restore the boundary.

Even with all of that, I have still been stuck this week. Here’s why:

Karla McLaren also goes on to talk about how anger can manifest when you see others, “being made vulnerable through injustice or cruelty”.

Yes. This is what makes me most angry. For my entire life, this - injustice and cruelty - is what triggers massive levels of outrage and anger.

So why am I angry this week? Why am I exhausted and impatient and snapping at everyone

Ukraine. The root of my anger is the brutal, literal assault on boundaries - of Ukraine, of democracy, of decency, of law, of humanity. I am a soup of outrage and righteous anger. 

That’s why this feels so bad. That’s why I feel so bad.

You might too.

This kind of anger is a shared, collective emotion. It’s what fuels us to take action. It’s when we collectively say NO. THIS IS NOT OKAY. This is the anger of injustice.  Pay attention to it. Do not look away from this anger or try to stuff it down. That’s what a madman thousands of miles away wants you to do.

There’s only a one letter difference between Karla McLaren’s question “what must be protected” and “what must be protested” (which, ironically, I originally typed).

So what do we do?

  1. Take action. Here are four ways to help Ukraine. Taking action channels your anger and helps it move.

  2. Find what’s beneath the anger. Anger almost always rides along with other emotions. In my case, it’s sadness and grief. Sadness for what’s happening to democracy and the Ukrainian people; grief for the brutality that they are experiencing and the separation of families. 

  3. Honor your feelings. I am going to honor my sadness by letting myself be sad; by not pushing it away; by crying a lot.

  4. Set boundaries that give you support. I’ll be setting boundaries on my calendar so that I have time to be sad. I’ll also check in with myself about my news consumption and dial it back if it feels like more than I can handle. And, I’ll show up as my full self at work and at home by being clear about what I need at this moment.

A friend reminded me today that back in the 90s, Rage Against the Machine in their song Freedom told us in the 90s that anger is a gift. It truly is a gift when we take the time to listen to what anger is telling us, honor it, and let it move through us into action. That’s a gift that we give ourselves - and the world. 


Patty FIrst