You Are Not Alone
How are you? No, really, honestly, how are you?
Over the last month, I have heard more from my clients about feeling lonely than I have ever heard before. I have a hunch they’re the tip of the iceberg and that a lot of you, dear readers, might be struggling with loneliness too.
I’m not talking about the kind of loneliness that feels overwhelming, like you do not want connection, or otherwise interferes with your daily life. If you feel any of those things, please get help from a licensed therapist or medical professional, which I am not.
I’m talking about the kind of loneliness where, when you have a moment to yourself after doing all the things, you feel like you’re not as connected as you would like to people you love, or that you aren’t sure why you’re working so hard for a job that isn’t bringing you joy, or that you haven’t had a deep conversation with anyone in what seems like forever. That kind of loneliness rides in the background, until you have a moment to stop and notice it.
While there was a loneliness epidemic before Covid-19 (see these 2018 statistics from WedMD), it has very likely gotten worse for all age groups during the pandemic. At first, cocooning may have felt safe and cozy, but now, more than 18 months in, with no certainty on when we will be able to gather freely again, that coziness may have turned to loneliness.
Does this resonate?
Know that you are not alone.
We are human. Humans crave meaningful connections with other humans. We have a profound need to feel like we belong. This is evolutionary - when we were hunters and gatherers, to not belong to the group meant we had been cast out, and would likely die. So, know that the oldest parts of your brain take the need to connect very, very seriously.
Brene Brown put it this way in an article in Psychology Today: “We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don't function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick.”
Okay, so what do we do instead?
Meaningful connection is an antidote to loneliness.
Meaningful connection happens when you are deeply listening to someone and they are deeply listening to you, or when you’re laughing together, or when you’re part of a group that’s trying to figure out who killed Tim Kono?.
Who is someone in your life with whom you have a meaningful connection? Maybe it’s a friend you adore, but have not talked with in a while. Can you reach out today to schedule a chat, a walk, or a Zoom coffee/happy hour with that person? Maybe it’s your spouse or partner. Can you schedule a date night, or take 15 minutes at the end of the day to truly check in?
Note that there are probably people with whom you want a more meaningful connection, but there’s hurt or frustration or resentment to wade through first. Start with small connections - put down your phone and focus just on them for 10 minutes; pick a show and laugh together; things like that.
Change your self talk.
You know that critical voice in your head? It is the worst, most critical, meanest voice ever. And guess what? No one outside of your head agrees with that voice. No. One. Everyone has that voice, and there are ways you can make it less loud.
One way is to change your self talk. When we are lonely, or anxious, or have not yet mastered something, our brains have a tendency to extend that meaning to our identity. For example, when you are feeling lonely, you might think, “I am so alone. No one else is experiencing this. Why is this happening to me? What is wrong with me?”
The reality is that we feel lots of emotions throughout the day/hour/minute. Our emotions are meant to flow like water. As one of my positive psychology teachers says, “emotions are like food, they’re meant to be digested and then exit your system.”
You can help this process along by reframing your self talk. Instead of the “I am so alone” line of self talk, you might reframe it as, “I am feeling alone in this moment.”
See how that reframe takes it from being an identity (I am alone) to a moment in time (I am feeling lonely right now)?
That reframe helps your emotional digestion.
Practice Self-Compassion.
Self-compassion supercharges your ability to reframe your self talk. I talk about self-compassion a lot, and that’s because it is truly life changing.
Self compassion has three parts:
Be kind to yourself, as you would be to someone you love
Recognize our common humanity
Stay mindfully in the present moment without exaggerating your suffering
Sticking with the loneliness example, adding self-compassion to your self talk could look like this:
“I am feeling alone at this moment. I am human. Sometimes humans feel alone.”
For extra goodness, you could also add: “I’m noticing that when I am [not heard, feeling disconnected, stressed - insert here what triggers you feeling alone] that I feel lonely. Lonely feels like X, Y, Z in my body.” This helps you connect to things that cause you to feel lonely and allows you to start reframing your self talk earlier.
Try it. It’s magic.
Practice Gratitude.
No, really. I’m not talking about the trite gratitude that becomes a quote in someone’s kitchen. I am referring to what you are actually, truly grateful for.
There are two gratitude practices I use often. One is to name three things I am grateful for in three categories: a person/animal, a place, and a thing. I add a second practice to say why I am grateful for each by using the word “because”. For example, I am grateful for my family (people) because they ground me. I am grateful for the Appalachian Mountains (place) because they are beautiful and connect me to the age and expansiveness of our planet. I am grateful for the oil diffuser in my office because it makes it smell like a spa.
Go Slow.
Practice these four things: meaningful connection, changing your self talk, self-compassion and gratitude. Go slow and treat this lightly - you do not need to make big steps here. Do what feels reasonable.
Then check in with yourself. How are you now? Do you feel more connected to your life and your people? How do your days feel? See what comes up.
Notice, adjust, tweak, do a little more. Please get help if you realize you need help.
And remember that you’re not alone.
XO,
Patty