You can stop
Before you read any further, experiment with me for a moment. Close your eyes. Breathe. Check in with your body. What do you feel?
I’ll bet, riding somewhere below the surface anxiety of your to-do list, you feel tired. I get it. Me too. In positive psychology, we call that depletion.
You may not have noticed, but there was no blog last month; no newsletter. Why? Because I was seriously depleted. T-i-r-e-d.
It’s been a crazy 18 months, even without the pandemic and lockdowns. In June and the beginning of July, I was running on fumes. No one was getting the best of me - not my family, or work or my coaching clients (sorry y’all); and I was especially not giving the best me to myself.
Can you relate?
In June, our contractor asked me to come to our mid-renovation house to look at the fireplace he had installed.
I hated it.
We went around and around about how to change it. I kept showing him photos of what I liked better. He kept asking me what I wanted to do. I found myself worrying about the amount of work he had already put into it, and thinking maybe I was asking too much to change it. It felt terrible. I couldn’t find my voice to say what I wanted.
Finally, he looked at me and with such kindness said, “why don’t I rip this out and build exactly what you want?”
Yes. I felt my whole body release. Yes, please. That is what I want.
Why couldn’t I say what I wanted? I’m normally quite good at that. What held me back?
Exhaustion.
When I am depleted, I have a hard time making decisions. My anxiety rises. I worry. I forget things. I can’t quite seem to get the gears to click together. It’s like I’m moving through thick fog. I’m not alone - there’s brain science behind this. Our prefrontal cortex, where the ability to focus and make decisions resides, is MUCH harder to access when you’re stressed.
Around the same time, I was struggling to write this blog when a friend said, “why don’t you not write a newsletter this month. It’s okay to stop.”
It’s okay to stop.
Yes. Again, I felt my whole body release.
I can stop.
I can quit.
I can ask for what I want.
In the past, I would have pushed through. I would have told myself I’m fine, that these are first-world problems and I’m lucky to have them; that I just needed to get through this one rough patch and then it would be smooth sailing. And, honestly, pushing and doing more has gotten me pretty darn far in life.
Except the rough patches were far too frequent. The supposed rest on the other side wasn’t actually restful. I still had a to-do list a mile long. It wasn’t smooth sailing so much as going from a hurricane to smaller squalls.
Raise your hand if you struggle with this too.
So, why don’t we stop? Why don’t we just say what we want? What’s holding us back?
Almost always, it’s our own thoughts.
We don’t want to make people uncomfortable. We worry about what others might think. We worry about letting people down. We worry we aren’t worthy. We worry we aren’t thin enough, or fit enough, or pretty enough. We say to ourselves, “I have so much already. Who am I to ask for X, Y or Z?” We keep pushing, pushing, pushing to get to a mythical Eden, but we never get there.
Sound familiar?
So, how do you find the strength and energy to move on, move up or move forward when you’re feeling depleted?
The first step is knowing when to quit.
The depletion you feel is a signal. It’s telling you something. Tune into it when you notice that:
You’re struggling too hard
You realize you hate your job
You just cannot focus on getting a task done
Your to-do list makes you crawl back into bed
You feel like you might strangle the next person who asks you to do one more thing
These are times to consider putting down your heavy load and quitting; whether it’s for a few hours or for good. Your body will tell you whether and when to tag back in.
One of the roots of my coaching is that everyone has within them exactly what they need. The work happens when you uncover what’s within you. My coaching is about transformation.
Sometimes you need to stop to transform into the person you want to BE.
Here are a few things to do once you stop:
Rest
Connect to nature
Look at something awe-inspiring
Savor your morning coffee or the smell of your kid’s hair
Start a gratitude practice
Breathe
These positive psychology tools will help you come back to your center. Your center is where you are your truest self. Your center is the best place from which to make decisions and choose the path you want to take.
For me, it took two weeks in the Green Mountains of Vermont to start the unwinding. And then I could suddenly write again. And I came home to a fireplace that is amazing and exactly what I wanted.
Reach out to me if you need help stopping or transforming. I’m here, and I get it.
You deserve - and the universe needs - your transformation. Because when you are your best you, everyone benefits.