How to Develop Better Habits

If you follow me on Instagram, you know I am obsessed with Brood X cicadas. Don’t worry, I am not going to try to convince you they are not creepy, but I do think they’re instructive for our lives. 

When cicada nymphs emerge, they shed the exoskeleton, and by doing so, it allows them to emerge and fly. You see those exoskeletons all over the ground and trees right now in DC. Abandoned empty husks that are no longer needed.

I love the concept of shedding for this weird period of time that is our post(ish) pandemic not-quite-normal. We’re at a moment when we’ve been managing the “now” for a long time. Managing our kids' virtual schooling, managing working from home, managing our to-do lists, and dinner, and all the while managing our health and our relationships to people so that we (hopefully) do not get sick. We have collectively been holding A LOT. Like an unprecedented amount of stuff. Do not discount the amount you have been holding and the energy it takes to do that.

And, now that more and more people are vaccinated, and we are able to venture out, it’s time to let go of some things we are holding. 

Cicadas shed exoskeletons because they no longer fit inside them. 

What in your life no longer fits? What do you want to shed?

It is time to shed our exoskeleton and to emerge and fly.

It is time to turn from managing our “now” and towards managing our “next’; where we want to go, how we want to be or what we want to do.

So, how to do that? Here’s where some fun brain science comes in.

Step 1: Decide what you want to change or shed

First, a little about how change happens. 

Change is not linear. You know this instinctively. Sometimes you start a habit, and then you have a setback. Then you start again. Often change looks more like Jeremy Bearimy in The Good Place and isn’t successful.

Successful change moves roughly in a cycle, as laid out by researchers James Prochaska and Carla DiClemente in the 1970s. Here’s more on their stages of change theory. Basically, there are six phases - and remember, these are the stages of successful, lasting change:

  • Pre-contemplation: You are not aware of wanting to make a change

  • Contemplation: You start thinking about a change

  • Planning: You plan on taking action toward the change

  • Action: You act on the plan

  • Maintenance: You work on sustaining the change

  • Relapse: Old habits resurface and get you off track. This is where you Jeremy Bearimy yourself back to action.

In other words, you first have to want to change, and then make a plan to change, if you truly want the change to stick. 

Step 2: Decide what you will do to replace the thing you want to change or shed. What do you want to do instead?

The second piece of brain science is about habit. We all have a ton of habits; more than you realize. From the way you pour your coffee in the morning, to the order in which you get dressed, to what you eat and whether you floss. So much of what we do is based on habit. 

Habits are deeply ingrained in our brains. Let’s say you want to stop mindlessly scrolling through social media at 9:00pm. An unsuccessful habit looks like this:

9:00pm. “Don’t open TikTok. Don’t open TikTok. Don’t open TikTok.”

(Opens TikTok)

11:00pm: “Why am I still on TikTok?!?”

Our brains hate being told NOT to focus on something. If you tell yourself not to open TikTok, your brain will focus like a laser on TikTok and how you are not supposed to open it.

Whereas, if you replace watching TikTok with something else, it’s easier for your brain to get on board.

For example, “Instead of watching TikTok, I will read this engrossing novel.”

Note two things about this example: There’s no negative (e.g., don’t watch TikTok) and you are replacing it with something else you want to do. Whatever you replace it with, has to be something that gives you a similar feeling to the habit you’re trying to break. Replace chewing gum with eating carrots if you love the feeling of chewing. Replace a TikTok with a novel if at 9:00pm you’re looking for an escape. 

Make sense?

You’re ready to move to the final step.

Step 3: Do the damn thing

Time to take action and shed your exoskeleton. 

Taking actions means doing the thing, setting yourself up for success and planning for failure. 

For example, if you’re going to replace chewing gum with eating carrots, make sure you have carrots handy at the time and in the place where you would normally chew gum. Make a plan for what you will do if you run out of carrots, or if there’s a sale on your favorite gum. Plan to fail, and plan what you will do if you fail instead of beating yourself up. Planning to fail helps you to dust yourself off and get right back on track. 

These steps work for shedding big things and small things. It could be breaking your TikTok habit, starting a meditation practice, setting boundaries around your work and family time, or leaving your job for something that actually makes you happy. Whatever it is, hack your brain with these steps to make it more likely you will succeed.

And reach out if you have any trouble. Some changes are harder than others; and sometimes you need a coach to help you determine what to change. The only way to go from languishing to thriving is to do the hard work of change. I can’t wait to see what you become!

XO,

Patty

Patty FIrst