The World Needs Your Full Self

I read the other day that the 90s are making a full-on fashion comeback. Oversized flannel, baggy jeans, scrunchies, grunge. All things I long ago purged from my closet (I’ll admit to keeping a few Senator Clinton-esque scrunchies).

This got me thinking about ideas from the 90s that I think can stay in the 90s. Like many good Gen-Xers, I started my professional career in the 90s. We were the first generation of women to benefit from Title IX; we were told we could do anything we wanted, but...maybe don’t bring your full self to the office. Check yourself at the door. Don’t cry at work. Wear shoulder pads so you appeared to be as wide as a man. Don’t be too feminine. Make everyone else comfortable first before speaking. Be a good girl and push the chairs in after the meeting. 

I remember when I worked in the Senate, after some very long nights negotiating a bill in my mid-20s, I broke down at my desk and cried. My boss suggested I, “go pull myself together in the bathroom.” I now realize that seeing a woman cry made him profoundly uncomfortable (and therefore I was breaking the rule of making everyone else comfortable).

But, hey! It was the 90s. At least you could be anything you want!

Anything except your full self. 

And for my colleagues who were Black women or women of color, they REALLY could not bring their full selves to work for fear of being too loud, too Black or Latinx, or just too much.

If there is one thing that cuts across almost all of my clients, it’s becoming okay with showing up as their full selves. 

There are a lot of ways this shows up:

  • Not asking for what you’re worth in salary negotiations

  • Talking yourself out of going for a job because there’s probably someone better

  • Staying in a job you don’t really like because your dreams feel too big

  • Not doing the work you really want to do

  • Putting everyone else’s needs ahead before your own self care

  • Worrying about whether you talked too much in a meeting, or whether you didn’t talk enough, or how you sounded, or dissecting what you said

  • Waking up at ungodly hours to do your work so that you get through your whole list

  • Volunteering to be a room parent even though your schedule is beyond full because you feel guilty

Do any of these sound familiar?

Look, I am not perfect. I sometimes often do these things too. And then I catch myself and walk it back and see what shifts I can make to get back to my center. Here are the specific steps I take:

  • Do something to create a bit of space, like meditate or go for a walk

  • Love myself unconditionally (this is the hardest step for everyone, me included)

  • Be brutally honest with myself about what I can take on

  • Say no a lot

  • Remind myself why I do what I do and what I love about it 

  • Look at what I’ve said yes to and what I am trading for that yes. When you say yes to something, you’re saying no to something else, so you’d better make sure the exchange is worth it.

  • Determine what I can create out of the mess I’ve found myself in, and 

  • Create a plan of action for moving forward

This usually allows me to get back to my badass self and move forward instead of being swallowed by the churn of life and my to-do list (btw, I have so many tools to help you with this!). 

I am here to say that the world needs your full, beautiful, sometimes messy, self to show up every day in all her glory. 

Because when she does show up, the world changes for the better. When you are living out your purpose in your own unique way, your light shines for everyone to see. It makes you happier, and it makes you comfortable in your own skin and comfortable using your own voice. 

Shedding worries about how you’re showing up creates so much more room and energy in you.

When you take care of yourself, you have more energy for others. Energy flows and ripples out and infuses everyone in your orbit.

So stop playing small. Get out of your to-do list. Start living your life on purpose. We need your unique light. It’s time to shine. 

And please, let’s leave fashion and our outdated ideas of selfless work back in the 90s.

Let me know if you need help. We’ll work on it together.


Patty FIrst