Align Your To-Do List with Your Values

Many of my clients come to me because they are overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by their job, overwhelmed by parenting, overwhelmed by their to-do lists. They feel disconnected from themselves and languishing in their long, long lists of tasks that are mostly based on other people's needs. 

It doesn’t have to be this way. One of the best things I’ve done is to free myself from my to-do list and align it with what I value.

This requires freeing yourself from the tyranny of other people’s expectations. Play with me for a minute. Find your to-do list. Look at it - I mean, really look at it. If a stranger read your list, what would they think you value? Probably work, kids, laundry, and scheduling. Quick check in: does this align with your actual values? Ugh, right?

I’m going to walk you through how to create plans and time energy management that reflect your values. I’ve organized a lot of important information around a few key questions. You might also find it helpful to read my blog How to Plan Your Life specifically on planning, in which I talk about specific planners (people always want to know what planner(s) I use!) and productivity tools.

For now, open up a journal or notebook, or grab some sheets of paper. It’s okay to do this process over several days. You’ll likely need breaks as you go through it; snacks and some tea are always a good idea. You can remember these steps with the acronym FASO:

  • Feeling

  • Actions

  • Support

  • Obstacles

Step One: How do you want to FEEL? (F)

I always begin planning - whether it’s planning a workshop, or my day, my week, my month, my year - thinking about how I want to feel. How do I want to feel today? On days when I have a lot of clients, my answer may be curious and present. On days when I plan to write, my answer may be expansive and creative. On days when I have a ton to do, my answer might be focused. When I am tired, I might answer rested or nourished.

As humans, we are constantly chasing feelings. Do you feel like you don’t have enough time to yourself? You might be chasing a feeling of peace. Want your spouse to stop looking at her phone? You might be chasing a feeling of connectedness. 

How do you feel right now? How do you want to feel in the future? What is the underlying feeling(s) you are chasing? How do you want to feel in 2022? If 2022 seems too big, think about how you want to feel today. The important thing is to begin a practice of thinking about how you want to feel.

Write these feelings down. Single words or phrases are fine. This is not an essay and there’s nothing to get right or wrong (looking at you, perfectionists!).


Step Two: What ACTIONS can you take to help you the way you want to feel? (A)

When you feel the way you want to feel, what kinds of things would I see you doing? For example, I like to feel creative and expansive. When I want to feel creative and expansive, you will see me writing. Being with my family grounds me. I make time in my day for my family so that I stay grounded. Eight hours of sleep fuels me. You will almost always see going to bed early on my to-do list. These actions help me feel the way I want to feel.

I can hear you saying, “But, Patty, l have you seen my to-do list?!? I have no time to do anything for myself. I cannot add one more thing!”

Yes, you do have time and yes you can add (and even better - subtract!) things. It requires shifting from pleasing other people to doing a few things every day that nourish YOU. 

When you make that shift you get more done, in less time, and you feel more aligned with yourself.

So, what can you take that lead you to the feelings you listed in step one? What would I see you doing? Write those down.


Step Three: What SUPPORT do you need to take these actions? (S)

I love this step. Now that you have your list of actions that you want to take to help you feel the way you want to feel, what would support your success? 

For example, to remind me that I value sleep because it fuels me, my electronics give me a “start getting ready for bed” warning at 9:30, and shut down completely at 10:15. I have to override the system if I want to use them. That extra step is a way of interrupting my brain’s automatic “I need to check email just one more time before bed” thinking. It’s phone reminding me: “Hey! Remember how you feel when you get enough sleep? You want that. Go to bed.”

Look at your list of actions. What would support you in taking those actions? Maybe it’s setting work hours and shutting down at a particular time. Maybe it’s a beautiful leaf to remind you to walk outside between meetings, or a book on your desk to remind you to read during lunch instead of eating off video on Zoom, or prepping your meals the night before or sleeping in your workout clothes. 

Write down the support you need.

[You might notice some “should” thoughts coming in right now. As in, I want to take these actions, but I “should” or “have to” do X, Y, or Z. That’s your brain trying to keep you safe and small. Ignore it for now and go with this exercise.]


Step Four: What OBSTACLES get in your way? (O)

Life has a funny way of keeping us from what we want to do by telling us we need to do lots of other tasks. There’s dinner to make, and groceries to buy and work to do. “Society” constantly tells us we have to be able to do it all, perfectly, or we’re failures. (Um…no thanks).

My clients run into three primary obstacles to living the lives they want to live.

1) Not enough time. I have whole blogs written about time. Here are the basics. 

Clock time as we think of it is a construct, made by railroad barons to synchronize train travel. Managing your “time” will lead to burnout unless you shift to managing your energy. My clients hear me say, “manage your energy, not your time” constantly. This means paying attention to when you have energy for particular tasks. 

I have an author friend who writes after his family goes to sleep at night. That’s when he’s most creative. I can’t do that. I write in the morning before I talk to people because that’s when I have writing energy. When I write in the morning it gives me additional energy; when I write at night, the very same activity saps my energy. Evenings are when I need to ground by being with my family or playing piano. 

Do an energy audit this week. Notice when you have energy and when you don’t. When is your energy focused? When does your energy lag? What gives you energy and what takes your energy away? 

Write down what you observe.

Now look at your to-do list. How can you add things to the list that give you energy? What can you delete or minimize that saps energy?

2) Doing too much for other people. Remember way back at the beginning when I said, “This requires freeing yourself from the tyranny of other people’s expectations.” Here’s what that means:

You are doing too much for other people and not enough for yourself.

How do I know this? Because you are human. And as humans, our oldest, most primal fear is being kicked out of our group (family, social group, village). We are biologically and evolutionarily wired to belong. It’s how we survived as a species; we lived in (and continue to live in) groups. It’s why Brené Brown’s work speaks so deeply to our souls. This fear of rejection is so deep that we actually fear it more than death. [Side note: this is why more people fear public speaking than fear death. Public speaking brings with it the possibility of rejection.] 

And, in our crazy connected world, there are approximately 12 million ways you could experience rejection each day.

This means we prioritize doing things for others even if it makes us unhappy, sick or burnt out. You can achieve more balance. In fact, you must achieve more balance if you want to prioritize those feelings from step one. 

Here’s how to know if you are prioritizing things for others and not yourself. Look again at your to-do list. Is there anything on your list that you’re doing because:

  • You feel you’re the only person who can do it (hint: question this belief)

  • You’re expected to do it

  • You’ve always done it even though you hate it

  • What would others think if you stopped doing it?

  • You’re a good parent and good parents….

  • If you don’t do it no one else will

  • This is the way everyone always does it in your industry or family

  • You’re afraid of missing out

If so, try this exercise from Martha Beck called, “The Three Bs”. For each task think about whether you could:

  • Bag it: Meaning don’t do it. Cross it off the list. This sounds scary, but is tremendously freeing.

  • Barter it: Have someone else do it. Delegate, pay someone to do it, see if another family member or work colleague would be willing to do it instead of you.

  • Better it: What would make doing this task better? Could you pair it with a fun podcast? Could you take that meeting as a walk instead of being on video? Could you take a dance break in the middle of your day?

Note how you feel about this task after applying the Three Bs.


3) Fear of being too big. Oof. This one. It’s DEEP, people, especially for those of us who identify as women. On the one hand, we are told to do it all; to be more; on the other, we’re scolded from being too big or too loud, or too much. It’s ridiculous. It’s impossible. And it’s brought to us by the patriarchy. Please read my rage blog when then-Senator Harris was referred to as “too ambitious”. I can’t even. It still makes me angry.

Please be big. Please bring your full self. Have you seen the world? We need you.

These three obstacles play out in a myriad of variations. Sometimes you need to walk back an obstacle to see if underneath it’s actually one of these three limiting beliefs. 

Now, look back at the actions you want to take to feel the way you want to feel. What might get in your way? Write down your possible obstacles. This might include the thoughts you think that get in your way.


Step Five: Implementing this to free your life.

Still with me? Awesome, because now is when we put this all together and talk about how to use it every day.

So far you have:

  • F: Thought about how you want to feel

  • A: Figured out what actions/things/activities makes you feel that way

  • S: Determined what would support you to take those actions

  • O: Looked at obstacles that might slow you down or stop you

Here’s how to use these steps to create the life you want. 

F: Take one thing you want to feel next week. Let’s say you want to feel accomplished. Write it down in your planner. 

A: What actions make you feel that way? Perhaps it’s having enough energy to focus on a few big tasks. 

What are those tasks? Which of those tasks gives you energy and which takes it away?

Very important: Write down tasks you want to do for YOU (sleep, walking in nature, reading a novel, playing piano, anything that gives you energy) in addition to tasks you feel like you have to do. 

S: What support do you need to take the actions that will create the feeling you want to feel? How will you set up your day/week to take those actions? 

If there’s something I need or want to do, but I do not have enough time to do it, I either cancel meetings, or I block time another week for that task.

O: What obstacles might get in your way? Make a plan to overcome them so that they don’t level you.


If this seems like a lot, that’s okay.

Living the life you want, focused on what you value, and being the greatest expression of you, is 100% worth it. YOU are worth it. This practice gets easier - and much faster - the more you do it.

If it’s overwhelming, focus on one step at a time. If you need help finding your feelings, do the Mountain Meditation on my website and see if that helps connect your body and your mind. 

I am here to help you figure it out if you’re stuck.

Time to start living the life you want!


Patty FIrst