A Good Mother is….
Pop quiz. Complete this sentence:
“A good mother is…”
What was your answer? A good mother is...loving? A good mother is generous? A good mother takes care of her family? A good mother would do anything for her family? A good mother is selfless?
I’m here to tell you that is all BS.
Here’s what I think. Society, culture and, yes, the patriarchy - especially the patriarchy - tell us daily what they think a good mother is. Someone who can do it all despite all the demands on her time. Someone who “successfully” balances a career and family.
Read this recent Washington Post article and see if you can spot all of the “good mother” thinking and guilt. It’s EVERYWHERE. I used to believe it (I mean, I grew up with that awful Enjoli ad).
When we are swimming in the waters of the myth of the good mother, we might not even see how murky and polluted the water is. It’s only when we think, “I really need some air,” that we pop our heads out of the water and notice that over there in the distance there’s clearer, calmer water. It’s so pretty and blue. But it seems so far away. And we’re already really tired from all the swimming. So, we put our heads down and just keep going through the murky water.
Sound a little familiar?
How’s this for a reframe? A “good mother” (and, yes, I take serious issue with that term) is a mother who puts herself first. That’s right - first - before her children, before her partner, before her family, before her work, before her to-do list.
Why? Because a “good mother” takes care of herself. She knows that society's expectations are too high, and, frankly, impossible. She has made peace with herself and no longer feels the need to meet those expectations. A good mother does what SHE wants and feels how SHE wants to feel because she’s the boss of herself. And she knows that before she can take care of anyone else, she has to take care of herself. Because she can’t help anyone with their oxygen mask if she has no oxygen. She puts on her own mask first.
That’s all very nice, you might be thinking, but it will never work in my life. I am too busy. There is too much to do. Maybe. It definitely won’t work unless you try it. So, why not try it? Your children will not starve, although they may learn to cook. Your house might collect dust, but company’s not coming over anytime soon.
Start here. In honor of Mother’s Day, honor yourself. What do YOU actually want to do today? Do you want family time? Or would you like to take a walk by yourself? If it’s the latter, thank everyone for their love and the breakfast of burnt pancakes, and go for a walk. Would you like to curl up with a book? Then curl up with a book. Do at least one thing that YOU feel like doing. Not something that you think you should do, or that your kids would really like. Do something just for you.
And then extend that beyond one day a year. Celebrate and honor yourself with at least one thing every day. Pop your head out of the water. Is it a little clearer? Yes? Excellent. Keep clearing.
Now go enjoy your Mother’s Day. And make your kids clean up the spilled OJ.
XO,
Patty
P.S. It’s a really hard time right now. If you are super stressed or exhausted, coaching might be in order. Email me to get in touch, set up some time to chat or PM me @pattyfirstcoaching on Instagram if I can help
P.P.S. Photo credit. I bought this keychain at the fabulous Anthology in Madison. They are a wonderful woman-owned business if you would like to support them.