You are allowed to want
A few years ago, I was doing some metaphor work with one of my coaches. I think the topic was how I wanted my home to feel. The image that came to me was of a home office of my own. It had pretty windows and a door. It wasn’t big; but it was perfect for my needs. I took from that work that I needed my own space in our house; something just for me to focus on my work helping organizations and people be their best selves.
So I made my own space on our landing, surrounded by windows and light, but also out in the open. It was nice. It was enough. And really, I am so lucky to have a house that I love in a neighborhood I adore when others struggle for housing or to pay rent. My set-up was perfectly fine. I could enjoy my space working from home while everyone was at school or the office.
I filed the office image away in my head because there was no way we were going to renovate our house just to give me an office. That’s silly, said my brain. It would be a selfish expense.
Enter, Covid. Four of us, working and schooling from home.
Have our walls always been this thin? Why do my children get up and use the bathroom across from me so often when I’m in the middle of a zoom call? Did all the noise in our house always funnel straight up to the landing?
But, as I said, our set up was fine. We’re healthy, we can afford quality wi-fi and a mesh network, everyone has their own space to work, we have food and plenty of streaming services. And someday this will be over. I’ll just set up a screen and make my little landing office area more comfortable with a better chair, a printer and a cute bulletin board. It’s fine. We can do this. We’ll just push through the uncomfortable bits.
And yet, the office image kept coming back to me. It would be so nice to have a room of my own. With a door.
I coach a lot of people who - like myself - have spent most of their careers working for justice for communities that are routinely denied power by our systems and governments. I’ve found that doing this work makes it SO HARD for us to be okay wanting things for ourselves. Because we see on a daily basis how much we have. We see our extreme privilege. We want equity for others.
And...the fight for justice is often a freaking slog with precious few wins and a whole lot of very long meetings with the world’s most well-meaning people. If you don’t take care of yourself - like REALLY take care of yourself - you will burnout. I’ve been there, and I’ve coached a ton of people who have been too.
The thing is, the movements we work in need us to show up as our best, most radiant selves. It’s when we are standing in our own truth - at our very highest purpose - that we are more creative, more patient, more energized and can bring all of that to the movement. Our energy radiates out to others and supercharges change. And it can only happen if we listen to what we need and what we want.
We need to dismantle power; not ourselves.
Prioritizing what we need and want is especially hard for women. The patriarchy has done a tremendous job telling us to put ourselves last. There’s a constant loop running in our brains that says, “A good mother puts her children before herself” and “You could nap, but you should clean the kitchen. It’s a mess.” Or, “I could say no to that meeting, but then I won’t be showing up for others.” Just typing these thoughts makes me tired.
If, however, you prioritize your own needs, you will have the energy to show up where you want to show up, in the way you want to show up.
I think of it as energy flowing in concentric circles. Burnout happens when we focus first on the health of the communities we serve, then on the health of our organization, then on the health of our staff and lastly our own health. That puts you last on the list, and you have nothing left to give yourself. If instead you focus on your own health, that gives you the energy to focus on the health of your staff. Healthy staff can ensure the health of the organization and everyone has more energy to give to the community. The energy moves from you out, not from your community work in.
To paraphrase Marianne Williamson, the movement is not served by you playing small. The world needs you to shine your brightest light.
Now, there are definitely people who think they need things that they don’t actually need. We all know someone (or are someone) who thinks, “If I only had more money/a better job/a more understanding partner/time for myself, then my life would be so much better.”
That’s not putting yourself first; that’s social comparison, the hedonic treadmill, and probably a lack of consistent boundaries, none of which lead to happiness.
How do you tap into what you want?
Write it down. Start a practice of writing down each day 5 things you want. It can be anything - big, small, seemingly unattainable. For most of the pandemic, my list has included: A latte (I so miss coffee shops), time to read, walks with friends, and my own home office. Keep track and notice what keeps coming back up.
Ask yourself these questions:
I wanting this thing because someone else has it?
Am I wanting it because I think if I had it my life would be a lot better or more full?
If I had this thing, how do I think I would feel? Notice if you think the thing you want would make you feel a certain way (like happy, or fulfilled, or loved).
Would this thing actually - in reality - make my life easier/better/let me live more fully?
These questions help you decide with honesty why you want what you want. And then you can choose what you want to do.
Whether it’s getting comfortable clothes that fit well and will make you feel fantastic, or getting exercise equipment that will give you more energy, or maybe a new office that will give you a peaceful place to write, coach and create, approach the decision with honesty and realism about why you want what you want. Then take a moment to be grateful that you have choices.
As for my office, renovation starts this week.
I’m incredibly grateful that I have this choice.
And, I can’t wait to see how this new space allows me to shine.
Get in touch and tell me what’s on your list of wants. We can make it happen.