Dismantle Power Structures, Not Ourselves

Well, here we are. It’s actually happening.

I’m exhausted and I’m guessing you are too. So exhausted by all of it.

It helps me to remember that they are actively trying to exhaust us - to cause so much chaos that our power is diffused from responding to everything and we become weaker and weaker and burnout and quit.

It helps me to remember that they’re trying to exhaust us through chaos because it reminds me that I am not going to buy into that system of bullshit. 

And you shouldn’t either.

I am not going to try to help everyone, to respond to everything, to read all the news. Because I can't, and you can't either. Do what you can. Do it as well as you can. Pass the baton. Collectively celebrate success. Then, start again. I have limited energy, and I will use it how I want to use it - not in a way dictated by chaos, an algorithm, or an autocrat and his minions.

This requires getting clear on what I want.

Very clear.

I am not going to pretend this is easy. I have talked to a lot of people over the last month - especially those looking for jobs right now - who have been pushing so hard for so long in their careers that it is very hard to get in touch with that place within you that knows what you really want. That place might have been squished down and stuffed into a tiny ball for years - lodging itself in the pit of your stomach, or the base of your throat, blocking what you want to say (versus what you “should” say).

This is especially true for those of us who identify as women or are of marginalized genders because culture tells us to be nice, make people comfortable, and would it kill you to smile more? We face gender-bias penalties for speaking up at work, for not raising perfect children, for forgetting about our kid’s homework, for saying what we actually think at a dinner party. And on and on. 

[As an aside, when I researched this on the Googles, literally the first three articles that came up were about “how to manage mean girls at work”. I am not kidding. WTAF?!? Thank you for making my gender-bias penalty point, Google!]

And where does this gender-bias come from? Yep, dear readers, the patriarchy.

And what is on the rise right now? Well, as Mark Zuckerberg put it, workplaces need more “masculine energy”. In other words - the patriarchy is on the rise. Again.

I don’t know about you, but that is not what I want.

So what do we do?

We start by reconnecting with what we want. A practice I like to use is to write down five things I want every day. Whatever is top of mind - don’t censor what comes up. Maybe you want a new pen, jeans that actually fit, a glass of water, a good cry and your wrist to stop hurting. Great. Write those down. Nothing is too small or trivial. This practice might be hard at first, but the more you do it, the more you will start to reconnect to the part of you that knows what you want. Your wants might get bigger or start bubbling out all at once. That’s great. Keep going. The more you do this, the easier it is.

Notice your Shoulds: See how many times you can catch yourself thinking or saying “I should” do X, Y or Z. Last weekend I was exhausted. I had set aside some time to do reading for a class I’m taking. But the second I turned to it, my body told me that what I really needed was a nap. I thought, “I should read this book, but I want to take a nap”. I am pretty attuned to my “should” voice, so I put the book down and slept. My day was better for it. 

Set Limits and Boundaries: They want us to stay exhausted so that we’re too tired to resist. Don’t buy into it. Set limits on the amount of news you’ll consume. Put boundaries around your time. Go to bed early. Say yes to dinner with friends if it feels restorative. 

Find Joy and Protect Your Peace: What restores you? What lights you up? Prioritize those things, whether it’s reading fiction, making art, spending time with friends, or taking walks in nature. Write down what you love, what brings you peace, what makes you happy. Say yes to doing all of them, and set boundaries around your time so that you can.

Get Clear on Your Activism: What things that are happening now that piss you off the most? Is it the roll back of reproductive rights? The threats to democracy? The horrors of raids and deportations? The demonization of DEI? Get clear on what makes you most angry and get involved. Focus your activism. Each of us cannot do it all, but together we can spread out and cover a lot. Figure out where you want to go deep, how you want to contribute, and how much time you can commit. If you’re unsure of what role you want to play, I find Deepa Iyer’s Social Change Ecosystem Map a helpful guide. Finally, there may be areas where you want to give your time and others where you want to give your money. Both are useful. Don’t discount your contributions just because you think you should do more (Another should thought! They’re sneaky).

Tap Out without Guilt: I’ll say more on this next month, but the next four years aren’t a sprint or a marathon, it’s a relay race. We all need to pass the baton and rest regularly. Tap out when you are out of juice. There will still be plenty to do once you’ve rested.

Finally, let me say this once more: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DO IT ALL. Nor should you. We need you to help us dismantle this awfulness and, eventually, build something new and better. It is not on you to shoulder it all.