Stop Giving; Start Receiving

Experiment with me for a moment.

Stop what you’re doing and list the number of times you’ve given to someone else today. 

Did you make breakfast for your kids and get them off to school? 

Respond to emails and client requests even before the workday began?

Make a doctor’s appointment for someone else when you haven’t made one for yourself for 18 months?

Turn off the lights everyone else left on?

Prioritize work requests above your needs?

If so, you may be a Human Giver. 

(For more on Human Giver Syndrome, see Kate Manne’s Down Girl: The Logic of Misogyny, and Burnout by Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski).

How did you become a Human Giver? 

I think you know the answer. Because you’ve been conditioned by society, culture and the patriarchy to give. It Is better to give than to receive after all. You wouldn’t want to be seen as greedy or taking up too much room, or being loud about your needs. (giant eye roll)

To paraphrase Kate Manne, women are conditioned to give. And when they refuse, misogyny steps in and they are labeled as too loud, too assertive, a bitch. Misogyny, as Manne argues, is the enforcement mechanism for sexism. (Read that twice. It’s a powerful theory.)

Raise your hand if you’ve seen this in action. 

Right. Me too. 

What should we do about it?

First, obviously, work to dismantle the systems that prop that misogyny up. 

And, while we’re doing that work, we can also learn to receive.

You know those times when you’re giving, giving, giving, and someone asks you for one more thing and you lose it? Or when you feel resentment build up every time you load the dishwasher or push chairs in after a meeting because no one else did?

That resentment is a sign that your giving and receiving are out of balance. When you give more than you receive, your battery drains without recharging. And when you keep giving from a drained battery, well, other systems start to shut down - like your immune system, your ability to focus, and your patience. That’s no good. 

Receiving means doing what you need to recharge. Bonus energy given if you prioritize receiving first; before you do all the giving. 

Here’s what receiving could look like: a bath before bed so that you sleep well; a regular massage; quiet time in the morning to meditate and journal; game night with friends; or a walk through the woods with your dog. Whatever helps you refill. 

Receiving also means telling others what you need/want. As in, “would you please get the kids ready for school this morning so that I have time to meditate?” Or a simple, “No, I cannot meet at that time” when a coworker wants to talk during the time you’ve set aside for a nature walk. 

It isn’t easy to receive because it requires deprogramming from lifetimes of Human Giver  conditioning. 

But if we want to tear down these systems, we have to start with ourselves. 

So this Galentine’s Day, practice receiving. Say what you want out loud to other people. Ask for what you need. 

Be gentle when thoughts of what you “should” do come up, or when you can’t stop thinking about your to-do list during meditation. Receiving takes practice. I am definitely still practicing receiving.

Let’s move from human givers to human beings.