Rethinking Resolutions
I am not a fan of resolutions. Here’s why: in our culture the way we frame resolutions sets us up for failure. And why would I want a list of ways to fail in the New Year? No thanks.
Let me explain.
Here are some common resolutions I hear from my clients:
I want to lose weight
I want to spend less
I want more time
I want to work less
I want to see my family more
I want to weigh [a specific weight]
I want Michelle Obama’s arms
I want to quit smoking
I want to get organized
Or, the resolutions will be phrased like this:
When I lose weight, then I will start dating.
If I can just get through this thing, then I’ll have time to think/see my family/catch up on work.
If I could only make X amount of money, then I’d be happy.
When I get a new job, then I’ll have more balance between my work and personal life
Oh, friends. Does any of this sound familiar?
My meditation teacher, Tara Brach, has a great saying:
“How you live today is how you live your life.”
Meaning, start living the way you want to live. T-o-d-a-y. Do not wait for January 1st. Do not wait until you have a list of resolutions set up to make you feel terrible if you don’t achieve them.
Ditch the resolutions.
Instead of resolutions, ask yourself these two questions that my former coach Natalie taught me years ago. They’re really the only two questions you need:
How do I want to FEEL today? In 2023? In five years? In your body? At work? In your relationship with X, Y, Z person or people?
What are the things that make me feel that way?
That’s it. That’s all you need to know.
Let’s say that I want to feel strong in my body and comfortable in my clothes in 2023.
Things that help me feel strong in my body and comfortable in my clothes include:
Strength training, and (for me)
Some cardio, and (also for me, not necessarily you)
Eating foods that make my gut feel nourished.
This means that if I want to feel stronger in my body and more comfortable in my clothes in 2023, I might increase my strength training and learn about what my gut microbiome needs.
Notice that this has nothing to do with the number on a scale or someone else’s arm definition (which probably has a lot to do with genetics in addition to her strength training regimen).
Instead of wanting to make a certain, fixed amount of money, what if you said, “I want to feel more at ease with my finances.” Well, that might mean making more money, but it could also mean cutting expenses, or saving more, or putting off getting that new couch. Or maybe it means conquering fears you have about money.
By focusing on how we want to feel, we cut through a lot of the consumerist, perfectionist, patriarchal grind culture messages we’re swimming in.
Because the truth is, feeling states are what we’re really after. All the stuff, and money, and fancy titles don’t make us happy. In fact, studies have consistently shown that people return to a baseline level of happiness no matter how many raises or titles they get, or lotteries they win, or how much weight they lose. It’s called hedonic adaptation. We adapt to the new circumstances, and while it might temporarily increase our happiness, it settles back where it was.
Here’s the good news, though. You can change your happiness set point. Focusing on what’s important to you, cultivating relationships with those you love, slowing down and savoring, practicing gratitude, spending time in nature - these can all help increase your levels of happiness.
And so does focusing on how you want to feel and increasing the things you do that help you feel the way you want to feel.
What should you do if you are so stuck you can’t feel anything? Try meditating, walking in the woods, or reading some poetry. Like Mary Oliver said of Walt Whitman, “I learned from Whitman that the poem is a temple—or a green field—a place to enter, and in which to feel.”
In 2023, let’s reject resolutions and start living our lives the way we want to FEEL.
I’m here to help if you need it.